People say that you should celebrate your 18th and 21st birthday in style and majority of people will say that they went and got drunk......right?
Three days before my 21st birthday I had the shock of my life just from a little stick that I peed on.
Pete* and I had been together since December 2008. I had always fancied him at college and due to a networking site we got in touch and things went from there. We instantly hit it off he was more than I could of dreamed of especially for a first boyfriend of mine. I know what you’re thinking 19/20 and just having her first boyfriend/real relationship. But this was all I had hoped it would be. Pete and I didn’t live close to each other, a four hour drive to be exact. Never the less he would drive to see me every weekend and if he had time off during the week he would come up and see me. The months up until November 2009 was perfect I had an amazing boyfriend who I honestly wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I could never of imagined needing someone as much as I needed him. It wasn’t like me to be so soppy over a man. I used to take the mick out of my friends for being head over heels and here I was doing the same. Christmas 2009 was rapidly approaching. Pete and I did our Christmas shopping together buying for both of our families. It felt so nice to write cards with both of our names at the end. Pete had arranged for us to go away for a long romantic weekend in London for my 21st birthday which was a week before Christmas. As I was packing my bag for London (few days early as I am a girl and I love preparing outfits though most of the time the outfits change just before we’re due to leave) when it hit me that I hadn’t had my period. It had been a bit all over the place so I let the first week of me being late go but this was 2 weeks. I hadn’t been feeling myself to start with usually I’m always upbeat and full of life but I had felt so down throughout November that my doctor had signed me off as I was an emotional wreck and all I wanted to do was sleep and cry. This was it I was pregnant. I knew it as soon as I realised how late my period was and then all my previous feelings had made it clear. Pete was at mine that night I went down the stairs too scared to tell him what I thought was happening.
“Please don’t go mad at me but I think I’m pregnant. With all the Christmas stuff going on I forgot about my period and now I’ve realised just how late I am”. His response was “F**k sake”. With that we got in the car and drove into the village to catch co-op to get a pregnancy test. Can you believe it they don’t sell them? Pete said we can wait until tomorrow but I couldn’t I decided to drive on into the city which was a 45 minute drive but I needed to know. At 11.10pm Pete went into Tesco and bought the test (the most bloody expensive one at that!). When we got home he went into the living room to ring his mum whilst I went to the toilet. I did what it said and placed the test on top of the metal bin, I didn’t want to see the result. I sat on the edge of the bath tub wondering what would I do if I was? I knew Pete would have a lot to say about it all. I glanced down and I could see one line of black and I started crying. It was a digital test that said pregnant or not pregnant and a number saying how many weeks gone you are. Mine said PREGNANT 5. Meaning 5 or more weeks gone.
I opened the bathroom door crying my eyes out. I heard Pete on the phone but then he came to the bottom of the stairs hung up the phone and ran to hold me. I pushed him away. I didn’t even know why I was crying. Was it because no matter what we decided life wouldn’t be the same again? Pete held me so tight like never before. With that my parents came home so I had to clear up my act and pull myself together forcing that smile as always.
Pete and I agreed that we would just keep it to ourselves. Each time he mentioned what am I going to do, I replied with I need to think please stop going on at me. We made it to London and I loved spending time with Pete. I tried to block out what was going on and just focus on him and I but it wasn’t working. The night before my birthday I asked him how he felt about it all. He didn’t want me to keep it. It wasn’t practical. “Wish you had a miscarriage” was his words 4 hours before my birthday. And he wondered why I couldn’t keep a smile on my face?? I have seen my sister go through miscarriages and I would never wish that heartache on anybody! I wanted to go home.
When we got home I said to Pete that I will have an abortion and that I’d go to the doctors to get the abortion pill. We had a few days apart as it was Christmas and I wanted to be with my family and he wanted to be with his. With him being out of my mind I could focus on what I wanted. I love children. My friends always say how good I am with theirs. Could I actually do it?
Pete came around a few days after Christmas. “Have you been to the doctors cause I don’t want it so you better get rid” he would keep saying to me. I swallowed and lied.
“Yeah, I went to the doctors and I took the first pill. I have one to take 48 hours later”. He asked no more questions. I felt relieved that he was off my case. Pete had told his brother though I didn’t want anyone to know. His brother was feeding his mind with poison. When Pete fired all these questions about the abortion at me I knew that it had came from his brother. There was something about his brother that I never could get on with. As if he looked down on me and had no time for me, it was hard to be left in the room with him as I felt so awkward.
“Ok Pete just shut up for a minute. I haven’t taken it. I told you that so I could have time to think. When you said you wished I had a miscarriage I thought you were only bothered about yourself and I needed to focus on me!”
He left. I cried. I cried more. My heart broke.
He sent me text messages saying things that I never imagined my prince charming to say. I still have the texts saved. I don’t know why.....maybe it’s to remind me that prince charming doesn’t exist? Maybe it’s to o pen my eyes up to men? The point was he didn’t want a baby and if I kept it then he didn’t want me. His family turned against me saying I was no longer welcome in their house. It was horrible. Did they not realise that I’m pregnant and you’re practically bullying me?
Five days passed. I was missing Pete but I wasn’t contacting him now I decided to let it go. I just stayed in bed, couldn’t even face food. He rang me asking to meet up. Maybe this was closure I thought so I drove to see him and we went for a drink. The way he was looking at me I could tell that he still loved me. He kept trying to cuddle me but I couldn’t have him touching me after what he had said it cannot just be forgotten. “Pete I’m keeping this baby. You can either be there for me through it all or leave me alone until the baby is born and you can see it then but I need you to make your decision. I can’t have you messing me about” I said as he went to kiss me as I pulled up outside his house.
“I can’t have a baby. It’s not practical. Neither of us can look after ourselves let alone a baby” he answered.
“That’s fine. Bye” I said and drove off.
This was it. The love of my life had managed to break my heart. I didn’t cry as I drove home. I honestly don’t even know how I drove home. I was in a complete world of my own. I was going to be a mum. Just me. Yeah I had my family but they wouldn’t be there for me to cry on their shoulder or hold my hair back whilst suffering with morning sickness.
Just me and my baby.
I’ve been to see the midwife and so far all is well. I have my scan next week. I think that will be when it really hits me that I am doing this. I am scared but I know it will all be worth it. This baby has already had one person in this world give up on it and I’m not going to be another one. I just hope Pete does come round to it all as this is the most special thing that can happen to someone. I heard the heartbeat at the midwife today and I was flooded with happiness. He is missing that. I do still love him and I’d have him back. I shouldn’t have lied to him and there are things he shouldn’t have said to me. But if it’s worth having isn’t it worth fighting for?
Until then I’m going it alone!
